Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Rom. 8:26-28 The Message paraphrase
Words haven’t exactly been pouring out of me lately. I can still talk, hold a conversation, write–mostly fill out school forms, but I just can’t seem to find the energy to talk about the things that matter, that matter alot. I’m pretty sure most who know me would not list silent or quiet as one of the characteristics most like me. Yet, for now, silence suits me.
I am blessed in abundance with the want and need to talk, sing, have coffee and talk, sing for my boys, talk to my dog, call my family and talk. In the past, when I entered a silent time, I would freak out, wondering what was wrong, where did I go, would I come back? I thought communication, on my part, was the only currency I had to keep anyone, or anything, in my life. That’s not an easy thing to say. Which is probably why it came out while I was writing.
Now, however, now because of the million different experiences, moments, decisions that have led me to where I presently sit, I’m finding a comfort in my quiet. It’s like a little secret I have with myself. So, as long as I still feel like quiet silence is what I need, for now, I’m content to wait on time. To wait on me.
However, I do not enjoy silence always from other sources. Oh sure, it’s a great break when my boys are elsewhere and I’m tired of hearing my own voice to have my ears stop ringing for a bit. Or, if I’m waiting for a text or (gasp) phone call, I find I’m a bit grateful for the lasp in ringtones. But when the length of silence exceeds my capacity to wait, forget it. I’m texting back, I’m seeking out human contact and voices, I’m looking to be filled up with sound.
The verse I led with? I just came across that now. And then I got teary. I got it. It could be, that in this silent time, who I’m really wanting, needing, praying to hear from is God. I have actually been praying that He would pray through me because I am not there, not present. I don’t have the resources to fight the battles I need to wage with my prayers.
Every word of that passage snowballed until it was like a welcome blanket covering my shivering soul. I’ve been waiting for God. And while I have been, I have again found myself trying to be as perfect as I can to win His favor, His attention, His time and His Words. And once He tucked me into that realization, I felt free.
Freed from my trying to pray the right way. Freed from trying to birth an idea I’m just tired of waiting for, before it’s due date. Freed from taking over control of my heart and mind, because if I just rest how will anything work for good in my life.
And this song, which I began writing waiting in line at Chuck E Cheese (one of the nine circles of hell, I’m convinced) to feed my kiddos tickets through a machine, came to mean much, much more. But that’s what He does with raw material like that, like me. He takes “every detail in our lives of love for God”, and makes sure it is worked into something good.
He sees you. He knows how hard you’ve been working. And if I could take a peek into your life, I’d guess that if you are tired enough, and silent for just a bit, and then brave enough to drop your burdens, you’ll hear Him telling you that He loves you and knows you and your life far better than even you know. I decided to let Him watch and pray through me. Maybe you will too.
Waiting For A Vision
Waiting in this line
to cash my tickets in
every time it seems I’ll be next
another soul cuts in
who says that they need this
more than I ever could
confirming the truth of what I already knew.
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
naught be all else to me, save that thou art –
thou my best thought, by day or by night;
waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.
I played the games
according to the rules
At least I thought I had
all the right tools
But it appears that I’ve been
playing all alone, in my mind
while the rest of the world claims their prize.
Be thou my wisdom, and thou my true word;
I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord.
Thou my great Father; thine own may I be,
thou in me dwelling and I one with thee.
Maybe there’s a reason I’ve been living apart
that once filled my days and my heart
I keep on saying it
better be a good plan
that makes all this time that I’ve spent,
worth the cost I have paid.
Riches I heed not, nor vain, empty praise;
thou mine inheritance, now and always;
thou and thou only first in my heart,
high King of heaven, my treasure thou art.
I wonder who will win
this tug of war in my chest
who will untangle the chains in my head
If what I think I’ve heard you tell me
is real and true
This time the joy will come
this night I’m stumbling through
I’m not alone…
High King of heaven, my victory won,
may I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heaven’s sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
still be my vision, O Ruler of all.